The summer is finally here, actually the biggest celebration of the summer, midsummer! We had friends over and what a great time we had.
My updates on this blog have reduced dramatically, due to the fact that I was so disappointed in two things: firstly no-one has commented on my writings and when looking at the counter very few clicks have been made. Somehow I had to draw the conclusion that this is a boring subject or I can't write intestingly enough. The second reason is that when I added a video on this page, my computer went mad.
I heard that someone had commented my posts in the beginning, I have not seen these comments, so please please please: comment again :) I am truly sorry I haven't answered a thing.
Now an update on my condition: the medication has been altered so that we could change the pain medication to so called normal. I sleep almost every night about 8hours without problems. In April the "bloodvesselsurgeon" told me the results of the MRI done in March. On the right 1/2 cm of new blood vessels have started to grow but still only 1 1/2 of the three bloodvessels are in use. But then the left foot... the blockage has grown quite alot and a doctor told me afterwards that she has never seen so rapid change in Buergers. And I have stopped smoking, which would mean that the changes would either slow down or stop proceeding. But just the opposite has happened.
This wonderful brightness, some may call this the sun, has cheered me up, so I believe we are going for the better. Day by day.
2010/06/27
2010/03/21
International Day against Racism
Today is the International Day against Racism. Did you know that in 1966 the UN declared March 21st to be remembered as the day against racism, and that the events in South Africa in March six years before that lead to the world wide acknowledgement towards the equality of man.
I am honored, my son took part in the Finnish Red Cross campaign and the spot is wonderful! I’ll try to add it to my blog for you to see. Unfortunately it is spoken in Finnish with no subtitles, so if you should need translation, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
For a couple of days I have taken my new medication. The only difference is that I feel constantly ill all the time, which means that I haven’t eaten real food during this time, only tea and once a day I force down a piece of bread or banana. This is said to be a normal reaction to this medication, and that these feelings should subside in two-three weeks. You know that everything is not alright when I say no to chocolate. And I just love chocolate regardless the flavor, white chocolate, dark chocolate, orange crumb chocolate or milk chocolate.
This past week has been extraordinary due to the fact that every morning I have woken before seven am. Normally I’d sleep until nine or ten, and first then get up. After three or four hours I have to take a nap, because I am so tired. I assume this also has something to do with the new medicines.
Last Friday we drove to the police station and left my application for the disabled parking permit. I had to have my picture taken, and it turned out awful! But then again, whose passport picture is one of their best pictures? Bad paid for photo indeed.
Still hoping that spring will come very soon, I want to go outside. In two or maybe three months, we can finally spend time at our summer cottage, I’m really looking forward to this. What I would give to move permanently there. My dream is to build a house on top of the hill, on one side you can see Lake Outamo and on the other side is the grand lake of Lohja. The house would be with big windows, so that the view wouldn’t be disturbed by walls. Well, maybe one day.
I am honored, my son took part in the Finnish Red Cross campaign and the spot is wonderful! I’ll try to add it to my blog for you to see. Unfortunately it is spoken in Finnish with no subtitles, so if you should need translation, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
For a couple of days I have taken my new medication. The only difference is that I feel constantly ill all the time, which means that I haven’t eaten real food during this time, only tea and once a day I force down a piece of bread or banana. This is said to be a normal reaction to this medication, and that these feelings should subside in two-three weeks. You know that everything is not alright when I say no to chocolate. And I just love chocolate regardless the flavor, white chocolate, dark chocolate, orange crumb chocolate or milk chocolate.
This past week has been extraordinary due to the fact that every morning I have woken before seven am. Normally I’d sleep until nine or ten, and first then get up. After three or four hours I have to take a nap, because I am so tired. I assume this also has something to do with the new medicines.
Last Friday we drove to the police station and left my application for the disabled parking permit. I had to have my picture taken, and it turned out awful! But then again, whose passport picture is one of their best pictures? Bad paid for photo indeed.
Still hoping that spring will come very soon, I want to go outside. In two or maybe three months, we can finally spend time at our summer cottage, I’m really looking forward to this. What I would give to move permanently there. My dream is to build a house on top of the hill, on one side you can see Lake Outamo and on the other side is the grand lake of Lohja. The house would be with big windows, so that the view wouldn’t be disturbed by walls. Well, maybe one day.
2010/03/16
New medication
Finally the doctor’s statement for my disabled parking permit arrived. So, this means I have to have my picture taken, which is something I dislike especially now when I have gained a lot of weight thanks to the now changed medication. Today I started with my new meds, and immediately lost my appetite. I feel nauseous all the time, and preparing food for my family was quite an ordeal.
Fortunately due to my long experience with cooking, today the food comes almost by itself so that I don’t have to stand beside the pots and pans for more than seconds at a time. Seems like we’re back to the same situation I was in last summer, when I didn’t eat anything for days. It simply was too much to ask of me to get something down my throat.
Otherwise things are nearly back to normal. My son was home for many days, he had caught a really nasty flue. The cut in my left hand is healing nicely, so I am able to write and knit again. We built, or rather assembled, a closet yesterday for the girls’ room, there is still another closet waiting for us to assemble, maybe today or tomorrow we’ll have the energy to do so.
Last night we watched the film Australia with Nicole Kidman ja Hugh Jackman. It brought tears to my eyes, especially when Nullah was taken to the boat and the look in the both of their eyes. I cried watching Sex and the City-movie as well. It was so heart breaking to watch Carrie hit Mr.Big with the flowers and Charlotte pulling her away. Charlotte’s eyes were so filled with pain that I just could not hold back the tears. But I think it is possible that movies touch you in that way. It shows that you still have big emotions after these negative happenings.
There is still as much snow as there was last week. Even today I have a longing for a trip abroad. This weekend I had nothing to do besides chores and it made me lose my nerves. I wanted to go somewhere, meet someone or just do something else than clean the house or do the laundry. Instead we went upstairs to our dungeon and turned on the Playstation and played PopIdol and won. It wasn’t that hard, maybe because I had set the level as Easy. Looks like it is too Easy, so next time I have to increase the difficulty level. It’s fun more than anything, good music and nice clothes.
After a couple of nights sleeping badly, I feel quite tired. Last night I was awake from 4 Am until 7 Am, and then finally was able to get a couple of hours of sleep again. I thought of getting up and folding the laundry, but it was too cold to do that, so I lay in bed listening to our cats’ noise inside and some weird noise outside, so distinct that even our dogs started barking.
The sun is not shining today outside, inside it is.
Fortunately due to my long experience with cooking, today the food comes almost by itself so that I don’t have to stand beside the pots and pans for more than seconds at a time. Seems like we’re back to the same situation I was in last summer, when I didn’t eat anything for days. It simply was too much to ask of me to get something down my throat.
Otherwise things are nearly back to normal. My son was home for many days, he had caught a really nasty flue. The cut in my left hand is healing nicely, so I am able to write and knit again. We built, or rather assembled, a closet yesterday for the girls’ room, there is still another closet waiting for us to assemble, maybe today or tomorrow we’ll have the energy to do so.
Last night we watched the film Australia with Nicole Kidman ja Hugh Jackman. It brought tears to my eyes, especially when Nullah was taken to the boat and the look in the both of their eyes. I cried watching Sex and the City-movie as well. It was so heart breaking to watch Carrie hit Mr.Big with the flowers and Charlotte pulling her away. Charlotte’s eyes were so filled with pain that I just could not hold back the tears. But I think it is possible that movies touch you in that way. It shows that you still have big emotions after these negative happenings.
There is still as much snow as there was last week. Even today I have a longing for a trip abroad. This weekend I had nothing to do besides chores and it made me lose my nerves. I wanted to go somewhere, meet someone or just do something else than clean the house or do the laundry. Instead we went upstairs to our dungeon and turned on the Playstation and played PopIdol and won. It wasn’t that hard, maybe because I had set the level as Easy. Looks like it is too Easy, so next time I have to increase the difficulty level. It’s fun more than anything, good music and nice clothes.
After a couple of nights sleeping badly, I feel quite tired. Last night I was awake from 4 Am until 7 Am, and then finally was able to get a couple of hours of sleep again. I thought of getting up and folding the laundry, but it was too cold to do that, so I lay in bed listening to our cats’ noise inside and some weird noise outside, so distinct that even our dogs started barking.
The sun is not shining today outside, inside it is.
2010/03/11
Grand Idea
The sun is shining brightly, the birds chirp so loud that I can hear the song inside as clear as I would stand beside them. Could we now start the countdown with the snow?
Last night I cut myself with a very sharp knife right in my left hand so that the blade almost pierced the hand. I could not do any knitting afterwards, so my quilt-project is falling behind. Luckily some of my friends have start to knit some pieces themselves, this eases my chore. The idea is to knit squares of woolen garn and sow them together to form a big quilt, which is sent to the Finnish Red Cross and from there somewhere in the world for people in need. My daughter and I have knitted about 40 squares, so there’s just enough for one quilt. The goal is to make 20 quilts before the end of May. Ambitious, Yes!
When talking with my mother yesterday, I got a splendid idea – all of my experiences will be put together to publish a book. This blog is the base for this book, and I thought of translating these entries to Finnish and Swedish, so that my book can be published in three different languages instantly. The first book would be titled “Isa – the First Year with Buerger’s Disease”. Now that I wrote it down, it does sound quite lame. “In Fear of Amputation” “Fighting the Windmills” They sound a bit better, but do they tell the truth? Well, I have ample time to figure out the name.
Feels like nothing goes the way I’d like them to go. I still feel discouraged after the visit from our community’s head of the disabled and the elderly. I had thought that now I would be able to do something else than to sit around the house, but no. That would have been too easy. After a few hours of sleep, it doesn’t even feel like I want to make things happen. Instead it made me want to pack our bags and move away. Still I am stuck here inside these four walls. Looks like once again if you want something done – do it yourself.
The pain in my hand from this writing is getting worse, so I’d better stop. I am going to spend the rest of the day dreaming about utopia, where things go smoothly the way I want.
Last night I cut myself with a very sharp knife right in my left hand so that the blade almost pierced the hand. I could not do any knitting afterwards, so my quilt-project is falling behind. Luckily some of my friends have start to knit some pieces themselves, this eases my chore. The idea is to knit squares of woolen garn and sow them together to form a big quilt, which is sent to the Finnish Red Cross and from there somewhere in the world for people in need. My daughter and I have knitted about 40 squares, so there’s just enough for one quilt. The goal is to make 20 quilts before the end of May. Ambitious, Yes!
When talking with my mother yesterday, I got a splendid idea – all of my experiences will be put together to publish a book. This blog is the base for this book, and I thought of translating these entries to Finnish and Swedish, so that my book can be published in three different languages instantly. The first book would be titled “Isa – the First Year with Buerger’s Disease”. Now that I wrote it down, it does sound quite lame. “In Fear of Amputation” “Fighting the Windmills” They sound a bit better, but do they tell the truth? Well, I have ample time to figure out the name.
Feels like nothing goes the way I’d like them to go. I still feel discouraged after the visit from our community’s head of the disabled and the elderly. I had thought that now I would be able to do something else than to sit around the house, but no. That would have been too easy. After a few hours of sleep, it doesn’t even feel like I want to make things happen. Instead it made me want to pack our bags and move away. Still I am stuck here inside these four walls. Looks like once again if you want something done – do it yourself.
The pain in my hand from this writing is getting worse, so I’d better stop. I am going to spend the rest of the day dreaming about utopia, where things go smoothly the way I want.
2010/03/10
Disappointment
Honestly - I'm pissed off. Furious. Angry. Sad. Overwhelmed. Irritated. In which other words could I describe how I feel right now.
Feels like I am fighting against windmills. With no success. Possibly this is due to the fact that I have not been able to take my normal pain medication and last night I slept only for four hours. In pain. When I woke up this morning, my feet hurt so bad I wasn't able to take steps right after waking up. I managed to get to the shower and sat on my chair for a long long time, and still my feet kept aching. We had a visitor this morning, and the result is that our community is not going to help me. Well, that is the negative way. To turn it around to the positive side - all I have to do is to ask for a new statement from the doctor, which states that I am not able to rise up the stairs, I use triangle-medicine and that my condition is permanent, not temporary. After this, I may leave an application for assisted taxi-rides. But, I am only allowed to travel within the neighboring communities, not for example to go and meet my parents, even though the law says that the community has to ensure that my quality of life is upheld and that I am able to meet with my family and friends for atleast 10hours every month.
I understand that it is too much to ask. But why on earth is there such a law, if no-one has to obey it? Why do I have to fight for my rights? Not to party, like the Beastie Boys :D
Tomorrow my doctor is at her office, so I can contact her once again and ask for this statement, so that I would be able to do something else than to sit at home.
But the worst part is that I had hoped that I would particitipate in some kind of activity. Like for example chairgymnastics. Or just meet with other people once a week. Or to have someone to talk to every once in a while. But no, nothing. Not even hope. Well, ofcourse I may join a group by myself. But the problem is that these other groups cost a whole lot more than the those organized by the community. And since I am not able to work, money is the obstacle.
So, in conclusion - there is no difference what you are entitled to, nothing is awarded to you free of charge.
Feels like I am fighting against windmills. With no success. Possibly this is due to the fact that I have not been able to take my normal pain medication and last night I slept only for four hours. In pain. When I woke up this morning, my feet hurt so bad I wasn't able to take steps right after waking up. I managed to get to the shower and sat on my chair for a long long time, and still my feet kept aching. We had a visitor this morning, and the result is that our community is not going to help me. Well, that is the negative way. To turn it around to the positive side - all I have to do is to ask for a new statement from the doctor, which states that I am not able to rise up the stairs, I use triangle-medicine and that my condition is permanent, not temporary. After this, I may leave an application for assisted taxi-rides. But, I am only allowed to travel within the neighboring communities, not for example to go and meet my parents, even though the law says that the community has to ensure that my quality of life is upheld and that I am able to meet with my family and friends for atleast 10hours every month.
I understand that it is too much to ask. But why on earth is there such a law, if no-one has to obey it? Why do I have to fight for my rights? Not to party, like the Beastie Boys :D
Tomorrow my doctor is at her office, so I can contact her once again and ask for this statement, so that I would be able to do something else than to sit at home.
But the worst part is that I had hoped that I would particitipate in some kind of activity. Like for example chairgymnastics. Or just meet with other people once a week. Or to have someone to talk to every once in a while. But no, nothing. Not even hope. Well, ofcourse I may join a group by myself. But the problem is that these other groups cost a whole lot more than the those organized by the community. And since I am not able to work, money is the obstacle.
So, in conclusion - there is no difference what you are entitled to, nothing is awarded to you free of charge.
2010/03/09
Chores
Guess who is tired, again. This seems to be a normal state for me, and I don't like it at all. Immediately after the kids had started to school and my spouse to work (in other words a bit before 10AM), I started pealing the potatoes ja vacuuming. About an hour ago, I was done.
Maybe this helps you understand how little I am able to do at once. And this is due to the fact I can't stand or walk, because my feet ache so bad.
I tried to take a nap on the bed, but all the dogs came on top of me and I had to get up. It would have been nice to relax for 15minutes, but no. Not even a minute.
Probably it would be best to try again, last night I had difficulty catching sleep - it was about 1AM I glanced at my watch for the last time.
So, this was a brief update - better little than nothing at all.
Maybe this helps you understand how little I am able to do at once. And this is due to the fact I can't stand or walk, because my feet ache so bad.
I tried to take a nap on the bed, but all the dogs came on top of me and I had to get up. It would have been nice to relax for 15minutes, but no. Not even a minute.
Probably it would be best to try again, last night I had difficulty catching sleep - it was about 1AM I glanced at my watch for the last time.
So, this was a brief update - better little than nothing at all.
2010/03/08
Anything boys can do, girls can do better!
Happy International Womens' Day!
I am lucky to be born in Finland, here I have the possibility to be who I am. I don't have to hide my true indentity. That is mainly the reason why this day is so special around the world - so that people would recognize that women are equal. When I was a little girl, my favourite t-shirt was yellow and it said: "Anything boys can do, girls can do better!" My parents have always said that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind at. The teachers at my school made it clear to us that the world is open for us, we may achieve high goals if we want to.
But, nothing comes free of charge. There is always a hidden agenda. It is necessarily not always a bad one, but some kind of hook is at the end of each line.
Today I left a message for my physician about my pain medication. I hope she phones me back as soon as possible, I had to remove my painkillerband-aid, seems like I have grown allergic to it. Tomorro I should be wiser about this.
Still I am very tired, and getting up in the morning is difficult. Oyr dogs do the best they can to wake me up, but still it's hard. Mainly because of the pain in my legs at mornings. But also due to the fact that it feels like I haven't slept enough, even though I sleep for 9-10hours every night. It is like a circle - I am too tired to do anything, and because I don't do anything I'm tired. And with the do anything I mean excercise. Hopefully on Wednesday there will be a change in this, our community's chief of the Elderly and the Disabled is coming to meet me and then if all goes well I may participate in some kind of gymnastics, which would suit me.
Soon I will head to the childrens' school, we are scheduled to have a parent-teacher conference in the afternoon. Wishing for positive feedback.
Thank You for reading my thoughts, I really do appreciate it :)
I am lucky to be born in Finland, here I have the possibility to be who I am. I don't have to hide my true indentity. That is mainly the reason why this day is so special around the world - so that people would recognize that women are equal. When I was a little girl, my favourite t-shirt was yellow and it said: "Anything boys can do, girls can do better!" My parents have always said that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind at. The teachers at my school made it clear to us that the world is open for us, we may achieve high goals if we want to.
But, nothing comes free of charge. There is always a hidden agenda. It is necessarily not always a bad one, but some kind of hook is at the end of each line.
Today I left a message for my physician about my pain medication. I hope she phones me back as soon as possible, I had to remove my painkillerband-aid, seems like I have grown allergic to it. Tomorro I should be wiser about this.
Still I am very tired, and getting up in the morning is difficult. Oyr dogs do the best they can to wake me up, but still it's hard. Mainly because of the pain in my legs at mornings. But also due to the fact that it feels like I haven't slept enough, even though I sleep for 9-10hours every night. It is like a circle - I am too tired to do anything, and because I don't do anything I'm tired. And with the do anything I mean excercise. Hopefully on Wednesday there will be a change in this, our community's chief of the Elderly and the Disabled is coming to meet me and then if all goes well I may participate in some kind of gymnastics, which would suit me.
Soon I will head to the childrens' school, we are scheduled to have a parent-teacher conference in the afternoon. Wishing for positive feedback.
Thank You for reading my thoughts, I really do appreciate it :)
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